Making the best out of the sourest lemon

 

Hi guys! It’s me SoulFul Sunflower🌻

This week has been Hanukkah and I wanted to do something fun for the family and so we all got t-shirts! So far doing small projects here and there is one thing that keeps my spirits up, but it also helps me focus on something other than chemo. Lots of times I find that I’m exhausted really easily, part of that is because the insomnia is real. I already was a bad sleeper, but chemo/steroids takes your sleep to a whole other level. 

This week wasn’t so bad, I tend to feel pretty crappy when I get home from chemo but not crappy enough to not eat LOL. So I’m typically pretty starving. I then don’t sleep at all because I’m wired from sitting in a chair for 6 hours freezing. Then Wednesday I try to do something even if just a walk around the block- as you may not know- I don’t like the SUN at all, I’m terrified of it, but now with chemo it makes you burn pretty quickly. So I try to go when there is NO sun. Or less sun. By Friday I feel ok, a tiny bit queasy but I have been enjoying massage and acupuncture to help with insomnia, nausea, anxiety, GI concerns, and overall mental health. I am also going to start speaking with a someone professionally to help get my mental health right. I think it’s important I try to really process as much as I can as lately I sort of feel like I just want to sleep through the next 8 weeks. I find myself having a lot of nightmares losing my hair even though I’ve told myself whatever happens is suppose to happen. But when your hair falls out so much at a time it’s hard not to panic or wake up and see what’s left on your head. It’s definitely very mental. I want to be strong and be the best cancer patient there ever was! But it’s not that simple. Another weird thing I have happening is my mouth. I knew dry mouth was a common side effect but I don’t think I realized I would have so many bloody noses and weird throat changes. I know not everyone wants to know what goes on or the changes, but writing about it not only helps me but hopefully educates if you ever end up in a position around someone who goes through chemotherapy. I think sometimes just knowing about some of these changes calms me down, because I tend to spiral in my kind if I have something happen that I’m not use to or isn’t normal. 

When you get chemotherapy the lining in your mouth and nose changes hence why I am super dry and experiencing all these changes in the last week or two.  

There are a lot of things that is shared during a chemo teach that ends up being overwhelming but I it’s sort of a learning curve to go through the motions and just see what symptoms you’ll end up getting. Which is hard for me mentally when I’m a type A in control person. Cancer and chemo definitely makes you lean on family and friends and faith, because you have NO control. 

During this last time at chemo I got to cold cap with a friend named Nancy. It is nice that we do it together and get a chance to check in on each other. I also got to connect with a woman named Miriam from my cold capping group. It is so nice to speak with people who really get it. I get nervous about joining large groups because when I joined a motherless daughters group I literally would read stuff and it did NOT help me. I didn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel with what some people wrote. Now I’m not judging what people wrote, but what I’m getting at is it didn’t help support me to move forward. It kept me held back. It jus rd isn’t support me and my journey through grieving. And that’s the part you have to advocate for yourself and know how and what would really support you. We are all so individual. Sometimes groups help people and sometimes just one or two friends can really understand and relate and help support you. Knowing a few people who have gone through this and a couple women going through it now, that and speaking with someone who can help put me on a successful path is what has been helping. I really do want to come out of this stronger and be a support to someone or many someone’s  who may end up in this crap situation. I always try my best to be honest and this week was definitely emotionally harder on me than most. My hair has changed a lot to me, not as much the outside world, but to me and brushing it when a lot falls out, what it does to me mentally is really challenging. But on top of it, I have just missed my mom so much. This has a lot to do with being chemically going into menopause and my hormones are all over the place, but just ultimately missing a hug from my mom. 

I wish I could say I am happy and healthy. It’s not that I am neither, but chemo and cancer and all that I’m going through, I just feel like it’s called survival. I definitely do things that I hope will make me happy, but it is so challenging sometimes to stay my normal upbeat self when I just feel tired and blah. But I’m doing my best and once again, all my support and family and friends. You guys, you give me hope, and I can never repay you !! But I will pay it forward to anyone who needs someone to lean on !!! 

So much gratitude for all of my support system💕🌻

Love,

~Soulful Sunflower🌻